Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Secret Keeper Girl and a question

Now that Daisy is getting to be a certain age, we have been discussing modesty more. Fun.

To help with the whole thing, I got the "Secret Keeper Girl" geared to 8-12 year olds. It is a mom and daughter thing, with mom and daughter going out on dates and discussing "the truth about their "internal wardrobe," their external beauty-and to have a blast in the process!"

So we did the first date on Saturday, it was supposed to be a tea party but Daisy hates tea. And it is hot anyway so we went for dessert at Olive Garden. The discussion was great and I think it gave both of us something to ponder.

Something she told me about has been sort-of bothering me.

We have a family rule that stupid and shut-up are not allowed. It is too easy to use it on each other and that just does not build the family up. With younger kids, they don't see how some occasions are ok and others are not so it is just easier for it to be a general rule.

Well apparently some of the girls at camp were talking and one said that if you weren't allowed to say shut-up then you weren't cool. According to what Daisy said, this wasn't directed at Daisy but it still hurt her feelings.

Since she has a good head on her shoulders and is compassionate, and I don't think she would be using stupid and shut-up constantly, we lifted the rule. I explained why the rule was there in the first place, explained that it didn't solve conflict blah, blah, blah.

I also explained that people don't typically notice the words you don't say until they have been around you for a long time. For instance, I would bet that none of my friends know that I don't like the word "hiney". It just annoys me and so I don't use it, there are many other words that mean the same that don't make me cringe.

I suppose the real reason this bothers me is that it hurt my baby girl. But also because I don't like shut-up. It is rude, hurtful, and it tells someone that you don't value them. I may have thought it at my kids but I don't want to verbalize that message at them. Really the only value where I might use it is an emergency situation. Stupid is equally vile, although I do find myself using it on the other drivers around me (or some other word that means the same like idiot, moron etc).

So what do you think of those words?


  1. I try not to put a lot of weight behind words... and think more about the context. Each family is different, and that's ok... but it is interesting that those girls thought that you were only "cool" if you used those words... I'd be interested to know if those girls have the same strong Christian family that Daisy does.

  2. Okay, this is just my two cents worth, and it's hardly worth two cents, but here it goes.....We don't use those words at our house either, which could be your house from the way it sounds....haha. I too am guilty of the moron word when it comes to other drivers....I have also, unfortunately used "shut-up" in one of those situations where it was URGENT!! or at one time or another when hush, be quiet, stop talking now, and zip it, had already failed and punishment could not be readily administered.(in these situations I was clearly at my witts end, and I believe, through gritted teeth said, "Shut.Up.Now, and we will talk about this later.") Since "Shut up" is not something we use, they KNEW I meant business. ......we talked about it later.
    As far as "lifting" the ban.....I would be careful about the message this sends....changing your rules in order for others to view us as cool isn't ordinarily a good thing. I know in this instance it seems harmless enough, but these things set a precedent...in other words, you only lifted the ban on a some words, but this could easily be a reference point at some future time that she uses to lift the ban on ???(insert rule, or virtue of choice). I hope I don't sound pushy. That was just the first thing that came to my mind when I read the post. Your kids are lucky to have a mama that care so much about them!! Blessings!

  3. Kim, you are right there isn't an intrinsic value in many words and it does often depend on context. Unfortunately, little ones don't get context at all. If it is bad to call someone stupid it is bad to call an idea stupid, or an inanimate object (like the car), or anything. They don't do good with rules like "you may not call mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa etc stupid" and you do have to list every single one because they will remember that you didn't mention the dog or the neighbor.

    Calista, I see what you mean and that is a valid point. I just don't think it will be an issue with her. She really isn't one to push limits, she likes to stay well within them to be safe.